Blow Out the Candles

Before the phone rings and my parents cackle-sing “Happy Birthday” into my ear then ask me what kind of cake or pastry I want for my birthday dessert, I wish to address our dear leader and make some birthday wishes of my own.

Dear leader,

It is an honor and privilege to turn another year older under your noble reign. May you transfer so much wealth from the poor to the rich that Putin needs to build more Russian banks to hold all the money. May the sick without healthcare not die on the sidewalks in front of your towers. May Mar-a-Lago always rise above sea level. May you detain and deport many Mexican rapists. May facts remain as elusive as your tax returns. May you find the 3 million people who voted illegally. May your faithful followers, especially the Sean Calamity Shamity asslickers, forever defend your cons, lies, vulgarity, indecency, bullying, and cruelty while whining about how victimized they are by liberals. May they always believe fake news and never wake up to the truth. May your every tee shot be a hole-in-one.

And most of all, when your time comes, may God show you more mercy and grace than you did for his children.

The phone’s ringing.

So, dear leader, as you blow out the candles on the planet, let us eat cannoli cake.

We Are Not Enemies

Dear conservative friends and family,

I am not your enemy. And you are not my enemy. But you’d never know that from the information you receive. I have tuned into Fox. I have read Breitbart. The overwhelming message they send is that I, your friend and loved one, should be despised, ridiculed, and, yes, some even say eradicated.

Think about that.

No, really, think about it.

Turn off the TV or radio and get quiet with that thought.

Is your happiness really dependent upon my demise?

Somewhere in your heart I hope you know their sole objective is to divide us. To make you and I seem so irreconcilably different that we hate each other. But the truth is, we are more alike than we are different. Everything I value—things like respecting my fellow human, living an honest life with integrity, being a responsible citizen, caring for my family and friends, and most of all, adhering to the golden rule of treating others as you would like to be treated—is completely compatible with everything you value and hold true.

These are (apolitical) conservative values. And I believe we share them. I hope we do.

We are one tribe. But you’d never know that from listening to the false prophets trying to convince you to hate me.

Love,
Your liberal friend